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本帖最后由 vercy 于 2011-5-17 00:17 编辑
推荐的是这篇：FIC (HP): "Round Bottom, Twelve Inches" (SS/HP, humour, R)
哎哟哟哟哟哟，这是我迄今为止看过的最好笑的一篇SH，额，虽然总数也木有多少，但这不是关键，关键是，这篇文能让我一个基本只看DH的人看得毫无阻碍，笑成这个造型，这就很能说明问题聊……
短篇来着，背景颠覆原文，获胜的一方是Voldemort ，（按照文里的说法，是the wizarding world's new ruler, The Esteemed and Variably Benevolent Emperor-For-Life Voldemort I），讲的是教授有一天跑去人挤人的对角巷采购东西，在对着药材店老板狂吼了一阵之后，我们滴Severus Snape 先生按照计划去买坩埚，罢过因为忙着一路走一路喷毒液（当然，这是我认为的原因，教授是 不会酱紫认为滴），转弯转早了，进了一家叫做Gaylord's House of Glugs and Slugs的店，结果这家店不仅看起来很诡异，实际上也很诡异，暗地里提供的是少儿不宜的服务，至于服务员嘛，你们知道的……
喜感的是，这篇文文是为了一个challenge写得——Snape is Straight ！所以一直到最后教授都坚称"I am not g-gay," ……
我这是介绍了些啥囧，不管了，总之，里面的教授太可耐聊，太喜感聊，太有魅力聊，随便摘一段给JMS看下：
首先是教授在一家药店璀璨老板的血腥过程——
“Shopping tally for S. Snape:
Gillyweed, 5 pcs ("How the bloody hell should I know whether merpeople like moonlit dinners or not?");
Mixed table salts, 2 oz. ("Wha-- No, of course I'm not 'dating' a merperson! Are you mad?");
Loggerknee's Liberally Edible, Lively Life-Enhancing Lubricant, 12 oz, clove-scented ("As far as I know, merpeople do indeed have self-lubr-- no! I am not!");
Pamphlet: "The Ministry of Magic's Official Guide to Proper Stirring Techniques in the Manufacture of Potions and Other Various and Sundry", 734 copies, magically shrunk ("Diffindo!")”
当然，这也是一篇很邪恶的文——
这是他转错弯走进少儿不宜店之后，头也不抬地以为自己在买坩埚：
His vast nose still attached to the pamphlet, Snape utters fateful words.
"One round-bottomed twelve-inch, please."
"Don't know if we've got anything that big,"
"Of course you do," scoffs Snape; when it comes to cauldrons, twelve inches is a case of 'it's not the inner volume of the equipment, it's how you use it'. "And what has happened to Mme Foieveau?"
"Nothin'. Still next door, guv," the barhand says with a jaunty flip of the fin eastward-ish. "And would yeh be settlin' for a ten-incher?" he adds, grabbing something under the counter that Snape fervently hopes is a bartending implement and not, as he suspects, the man's personal swizzle stick.
这是在接受handjob服务的过程中：
When Snape sees the vigorous handjob Potter is giving him, his thoughts on the matter can be summarised as any and/or all of the following:
My gillyweed must be going ba-- ba-- ba-- badsobadohGOD!
He really looks no-no-nothing like his father. Rrrr. Gurfizzble.
Missmagicalapril! MissmagicalaprilthinkofbreastsMISSMAGICALAPRILbreasts[...]
Where in the name of... something did he learn to do tha-- thaaaahhahaat that thing, that thing he's doing with his hand that's... that, wow. Wohohow!
结果他仍然坚持他不是gay——
I am not g-gay," Snape says to himself -- and rather firmly at that, too, he is delighted to delude himself.
"Of course you're not, love," replies a passing witch in a tremulous voice. Snape is thisclose to hexing her until he realises she is Mme Foieveau, and he really can't make do without her twelve-inch, round-bottomed wares.
"I'm not!"
Mme Foieveau offers nothing of disputatious nature or, indeed, any reply at all; Snape supposes she is out of hearing range.
"I'm not," he repeats to the rainwater barrel now keeping him company, and then hurries off towards Borgin & Burkes and the safety of the Floo network.
……
OK，大概就是酱紫，偶也介绍不出什么来了，文里的Harry存在感较弱，至于攻受什么的，其实不明显，只有blowjob & handjob,木有实质的H。
我看过的SH文真的不多，所以也不知道喜欢Snarry的各位大人们心目中的教授是什么样子，会不会触到雷点，反正这篇就是那种爆笑文，可以从头笑到尾的那种，适合存下来心情不好，或者压力过大的时候看的……
哦，差点忘了链接和信息囧
Title: Round Bottom, Twelve Inches
Author: pen_and_umbra
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Rating: R
Word count: 3,307 words (complete)
Warnings: Humour (?).
Disclaimer: I pour beetles down the waistcoat of the suggestion that I own these characters.
Summary: It had always been the white ankle (and other bits) of an Englishwoman that had stirred Severus Snape's loins. That is, until he made a wrong turn and walked into Gaylord's House of Glugs and Slugs.
链接在这里：http://pen-and-umbra.livejournal.com/32953.html
恩恩，我去睡觉聊，明天还一堆滴事情嘞……
论坛功能提示：allhp.fun（或app）搜索15678可直达本帖。
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发表于 2011-5-17 00:15
